ANGEL'S JOURNAL

" DARK SECRETS "

I thought that leaving Sunnydale   -   leaving Buffy   -   was the hardest thing I’d ever done.   I was wrong.   The most difficult moment of my 247 years came tonight when I told Paris what I am.   The pain and emptiness I felt for Buffy were things that I thought would stay with me forever.   I was wrong.   The myriad of emotions in Paris’ eyes tore at my heart, my soul, and the pain and emptiness returned ten fold.

I finally remembered why Paris seemed so familiar to me.   She looks exactly like Kathleen who I left to die a horrible death in that cellar.   Her gurgling screams as the rats gnawed at her still sound loudly in my ears.   I could never hurt Paris like that.   Never.

Paris listened to every single word; words I knew she didn’t want to hear.   When I had finished telling her of my dark secrets, I wanted to stop her from leaving.  But when I looked into her eyes, I knew I had to let her go.

I’m not one who scares easily, but I dread tomorrow.   I don’t know if Paris will come to work, but if she does, how can I possible look at her?   I’m a vampire.   Those are the three words that shattered her innocent world…a world that I’m going to try and mend, even if it’s the last thing I ever do.

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