ANGEL'S JOURNAL

" THE DEMON WITHIN "

I really wish Spike would check if hearsay is true or not before torturing me.   Those unbelievably long and painful hours were, as it turns out, so unnecessary.   He was led to believe that Drusilla had been killed and, as usual, he blamed me for it.   But it was Paris who told him that Dru was still alive.   I don’t know how she knew about Dru for I never mentioned her.

Paris’ hidden strength surfaced against Spike and me.   I dreamt of hurting her, and so easily could have.   A wounded vampire is one a human should not be close to.   When I’m wounded, I’m vicious.   I know that, but she doesn’t.   I could have very easily turned on Paris and killed her, but I didn’t.   I’d never be able to forgive myself if I did such a thing.

Paris finally told me she loves me, and I her.   I sense the fear and uncertainty in her for she’s not known love before.   And I’m afraid that I’m not the right one for her, just like I wasn’t the right one for Buffy.   I don’t know when I’ll become human again, but until that day comes, I can’t see Paris in the sunlight, or make love to her.   Paris isn’t ready for the latter, but there will come a time when she will be, and I won’t be able to comply.   When our lips met in that first nervous kiss, so many feelings stirred inside me.   I know I must suppress them to prevent from losing my soul and becoming evil again.   I just don’t know how long I can do that.

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