ANGEL'S JOURNAL

" TOGETHER AGAIN "

If only I had been able to control the desire and hunger that overwhelmed me a year ago.   If only I had felt her drink from me.   If only I hadn’t allowed her to turn me back into that thing…   Every time I think about what I did, I feel physically ill.   Every time I think about what she did, I want to die.   Screaming women and children, pleading men, terrified looks that constantly haunt my memories…this isn’t the first time I’ve been here, nor, I fear, will it be the last.

But this is the first time she has been here.

I remember when the Romany elders returned my soul to me, just like I remember how 150 years of evil deeds hit me like a tonne of bricks.   No matter how far or how long I ran, the memories of all those I tortured, maimed and murdered remained with me.   Although the screams eventually quietened, I could still hear them, and I still felt as guilty as sin.

How is she going to handle all the things she did?

I don’t know where she went after she let Charlie out of the prison we had kept her in for the last few days.   She told Cordelia that she needed to clear her head and try and comprehend everything that happened.   I’ll never forget the way she looked at me and asked "What did we do?", nor will I forget the look on her face before she pushed me away.  I could feel her strength in that shove; strength we gained from killing that Receiver.   But she has always been strong in both body and mind.   All I need to do is look at everything she endured since arriving in Los Angeles; since meeting me.   I have to trust that she will somehow find a way endure the memories all of she - we - did.

Gunn told me he’d been scared of her; that she was on an entirely different level of evil.   He was right.   I have been around some smart people in my life, yet I am unable to place any one of them in the same category as her.   We actually worked very well together; she would devise the torture while I - Angelus - executed it; she would devise a plan and together we’d see it through.   What I told Gunn and Wesley was true, she was amazing when she was coming up with a plan…the way her mind worked…I could never have come up with half the stuff she did.   If she was to ever turn evil again, I would be no match for her.   She’d outthink me every single time.

Lindsey and Cordelia are together now.   I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.   Cordelia is very dear to me; she’s seen me through good times and bad, a lot of bad.   Lindsey was responsible for some of it.   I don’t know what happened to make him change allegiance, but one thing I do know is that, soul or not, I’ll kill him if he ever puts Cordelia in harm’s way.   But Wesley and Gunn seem to trust him.   Until Lindsey shows his loyalty to us is false, I guess I’ll have to learn to trust him as well.

I don’t know everything that Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn have been through or accomplished over the past year, but they seem to have dealt with it all okay.   They work well together and I’m extremely proud of them.   Though I do have to wonder why they waited so long to do the restoration curse.   I guess they had their reasons, I’ll just be damned if I know what they are.

In the few moments I’ve had with her, she seems…I don’t know…not herself.   I don’t know how I thought she’d act in the hours after regaining her soul, but she’s not the same girl she was a year ago.   She’s a vampire now.   That changes everything.   She’s also my wife.   I couldn’t quite believe it when she asked me to marry her mere minutes after I arose from my shallow grave.   But I didn’t hesitate in agreeing to become her husband.   We’ve been married almost a year now.   It’s almost ironic that we have to be evil in order to be a true married couple.   If we fulfil our marital duties now, we turn evil again.   We can’t win.

I don’t know where she is at the moment…she was hungry, real hungry.   She tried animal blood while we were in Europe but it didn’t appeal to her palate at all.   I just hope she is able to sate her hunger without sacrificing anyone.   I’ll know it when I see her next.

My friend…my lover…my wife…my vampire-with-a-soul…my Paris.   No matter how good or bad things become, I will always love you.

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